The Desk From Ikea
by iHaveNotTurnedGood
Summary: Alfie enlists the help of Form K to assemble a new desk he's brought after he and Rosie broke his old one.


**_I don't own Bad Education. All rights go to their respective owners._**

 **The Desk From Ikea**

"Alfie, why did you buy a new desk, again?" Joe frowns as he watches Alfie struggle to assemble a desk from Ikea.

"The last one broke." He mumbles miserably.

"How did you manage to break a desk?" Jing enquires.

"I wouldn't ask." Alfie winces.

"Well, don't know about anyone else but I've got several scenarios running around me head." Mitchell sniggers from besides Cleo and Rem Dogg.

"And one of them is probably correct." Alfie mutters under his breath.

"You found my dad's old porn that I accidentally left here didn't ya? I told you guys to take it." Mitchell laughs.

"That or he was banging Gulliver on there." Cleo notes.

"Haven't you all got work you should be doing, or better yet, help me with this desk?" Alfie snaps miserably.

"Ohh my days, you banged Gulliver on your desk and broke it? What a penis!" Mitchell bursts out laughing.

"Alfie, you didn't…" Joe starts.

"It wasn't in school hours!" Alfie protests.

"And anyway, I swear down it will never happen again, I mean, the crash was so loud, Fraser thought something was seriously wrong and he just appeared in his Superman suit." Alfie groans at the all too recent memory.

"Said he'd be inclined to forget what he saw if I brought a new desk out of my own wage and assembled it myself."

"Brilliant." Mitchell continues to snigger.

"And now I can't assemble this blasted thing, I would've asked Pickwell when she passed by but then I'd have to explain why to her and Fraser or no Fraser, she'd get Rosie and I fired." He points out.

"We'll help, sir." Stephen says kindly.

"Thank you Stephen." Alfie smiles at him as Stephen picks up a construction booklet.

"Can't read this to save me life." He says after a moment.

"Jing? Perhaps you could…"

"Is this going to be another comment from you about China again?" Jing glances up at him.

"Chantelle?"

"Don't look at me, I ain't helping ya, traitor." She hisses with folded arms.

"Look, Chantelle, Rosie and I are…" Alfie falls silent at the glare she gives him.

"Right, I will buy a six pack of beers for whoever helps me assemble this desk, okay?" Alfie decides after a moment, smirking when the class swarms to his side in an instant.

Even Rem Dogg!

 _Later…_

"It doesn't look like it does on the picture." Alfie notes after he and Form K finally finish assembling the desk.

"Yeah, doubt two of the legs are supposed to be on the side like that." Stephen comments.

"What? How could this go wrong, the instructions… Jing?" Alfie looks to her.

"Even I don't understand these instructions." Jing sighs as she looks down at the booklet she'd been studying whilst helping them assemble the desk.

"And they were created by your people! This is hopeless." Alfie moans.

"What if we just steal another teachers desk?" Mitchell suggests.

"No. No, we are going to assemble this desk. If it's the last thing we do…"

 _Later…_

"Just use the hammer!" Alfie yells at Cleo.

"Yeah, man I'm going to. Where the fuck is it?"

"Here." Rem Dogg wheels forward.

"How the hell did you end up with it?" Chantelle frowns.

"I was nailing the other leg down."

"Ahh first thing you've ever nailed." Mitchell chuckles.

"Least I can nail something." Rem Dogg retorts as Cleo snatches the hammer from him.

"Okay, carefully does it. Just put the nail in." Alfie starts.

"I know what I'm doing, man. Do you think I can't do it or something? Is it because I'm a woman?"

"For gods sakes Cleo!" Alfie sighs.

"Watch, oh you just watch. I'm gonna fix this desk and then…"

"AHH FUCK!" Mitchell yells as Cleo brings the hammer down on his hand instead of the nail he'd been holding steady for her.

"Shit!" Alfie winces as Mitchell groans and clutches his probably broken hand.

Cleo doesn't say a word but looks evidently worried and drops the hammer whilst bending down to Mitchell.

"Ow!" Rem Dogg hisses as Cleo had dropped the hammer onto him.

"You're already in a wheelchair, deal with it." She snaps.

"This has turned into an absolute nightmare." Alfie rests his head against the semi-assembled desk.

"Right, all of you out in the corridor right now." The sharp Scottish tone of Pickwell calls from behind them.

"Ohh god. Look, I broke my desk. I had to buy a new one and I can't assemble it. You don't have to punish anyone, I got the kids to help me. It's all on me." Alfie holds his hands up in an attempt to keep anyone from his class getting into trouble.

"Oh, I know. Mr. Fraser told everyone what had happened in the latest staff meeting to explain your absence."

"For gods sake." Alfie slams his head against the table.

"Corridor, now." Pickwell commands.

"Come on, guys." Alfie sighs as Form K begin to file out of the classroom.

"What's going on in there then." The deep and threatening tone of Frank Grayson begins.

"Oh, hey babes, we've been trying to assemble sir's new desk. I've broken so many nails, I'm traumatized." Stephen greets his boyfriend happily but with a remorseful look at the loss of his nails.

"Never mind your nails." Joe cuts in.

"What did you just say?" Frank growls menacingly in Stephen's defense.

"I didn't mean anything, I just meant that Stephen may have broken a couple of nails but I think Cleo's managed to break Mitchell's hand." Joe points out.

"You think?" Mitchell glowers at him, whilst clutching his probably broken hand to him.

"You should probably go to the school nurse." Chantelle notes.

"Take me with you. Think she's broken my feet with that hammer." Rem Dogg remarks.

"Oh well. You're already in a wheelchair." Frank says words similar to what Cleo had said.

"What is going on?" The voice of Rosie Gulliver calls as she approaches the class.

"Alfie, why are you and the children all stood out here like… Mitchell, what's happened to your hand?" She exclaims worriedly.

"I'm blaming sir." Mitchell states.

"What? I didn't drop the hammer on you, Cleo did…"

"You were the one who broke your desk!" Cleo snaps.

"Alfie, please tell me you haven't told the…"

"They guessed." Alfie murmurs.

"And don't tell me that you've been getting them to assemble the new one."

Alfie nods meekly.

"Well, it's very good of you all to help him but, he should've come to me. I was partially responsible for the original desk breaking in the first place." Rosie says in a completely soft tone of voice, surprising Alfie who thought she'd be yelling at him about now.

"Yeah, that's right. She should've been helping us." Chantelle agrees with folded arms.

"And I will, Mitchell. You go and sort out your hand. I'll help with the desk." Rosie looks to Alfie, kissing his cheek briefly.

"Aww goals." Stephen smiles whilst arm in arm with Frank.

"We're better goals." Frank mutters.

"Hell yes." Stephen agrees as Rosie, hand in hand with Alfie head toward the classroom.

"Wait…" Alfie tugs her back.

"What?" She frowns.

"Well…" He starts just as Pickwell exits the classroom.

"What?" Pickwell glowers at them all, pushing open the door to reveal the perfectly assembled desk.

"That was easy." She remarks as they all look to her in complete disbelief.

"Now, Wickers, Gulliver. I expect to see you both in detention tomorrow morning." She glances at them with a sharp look.

"I thought Fraser was covering it?" Rosie enquires.

"Ohh, you don't think I was asking you to supervise it, was I?" She says before strutting away like she owns the place as Rosie and Alfie groan.

"Isobel, we've been over this so many times. You cannot put me in detention!" Alfie protests.

"Well, we'll be doing it together." Rosie points out.

"Yes, there is that." Alfie notes, sharing a kiss with her.

"Doing it together? Isn't that what got you into this mess in the first place?"

"Joe." Alfie sighs in despair.

"Shut up."

 ** _Authors Note: Thank you all so much for reading :)_**


End file.
